[pascaline]

HOW TO RECOGNIZE & STOP
SEXUAL HARASSMENT
IN THE ROLE PLAY COMMUNITY

First of all, I want to say that in no way is this thread intended to accuse or call out anyone on this site, and any posts of accusations that point out someone by name or by any other factors – regardless of whether they are a member of Gangnam Style or not – will not be tolerated. I am creating this thread to PROTECT members of the role play community, not to black list and shame them. If you are hesitant that you shouldn't post a story in this thread, or certain details, just trust your instincts and don't do it. Or, you can PM me the story and I will review it beforehand if you want before you post it to this thread. 

Everyone deserves a safe environment to role play in. As a member of this community, I want you all to be safe. 

The second thing I want to say is that sexual harassment is not about any specific gender to another gender, but about all genders. I have witnessed women harassing men, and I have witnessed men harassing women. I have personally been sexually harassed by other women, and I know men who have been harassed by other men. It's all equal.

Now let's start by defining sexual harassment. For the purpose of this thread sexual harassment will be defined as the act of receiving unwanted advances that are sexual in nature or otherwise seem intimidating, overly physical, and/or inappropriate to you. The key words in that definition are 'unwanted' and 'inappropriate to you'. Everyone has different views of what sexual harassment is, but it's most important how you feel and how that person is making you feel at the time. Here is how you can spot sexual harassment:

• A member of a site is constantly flirting with you, and even though you've politely turned them down they are persistent and say things that make you uncomfortable. Even if they don't say anything sexual, this is still a type of harassment.
• A member is constantly creating romantic plots with all of your characters and trying to force your characters into a sexual or otherwise romantic relationship, even though you've expressed to them that you do not want that or that you are unsure about the plot. They may or may not expect a relationship to ignite between them and you through your characters and that is why they are being aggressive, or they are using your characters to fulfill their own romantic fantasies with little regard for your input.
• You are role playing in a messenger off the site, such as skype or g-talk, and the member tries to turn the role play into something sexual and it makes you uncomfortable. You try to stop it, but they are persistent or berate you.
• While fooling around in messenger or the c-box, a member jokes about touching you in an inappropriate way and it makes you uncomfortable. You ask them to stop, but they keep doing it.
• A member who is an adult engages in a sexual situation with you while you are considered a minor in your state or country. This is against the law in The United States of America as well as other places and you can pursue this as a cyber crime. I have known role-players who have been court summoned for this.
• You are sent unwanted sexual pictures, pornography, or other inappropriate material that makes you uncomfortable. If you are a minor and the person is an adult, this is a crime. If the person is a minor and they sent you nude pictures of themselves, this is also a crime on their part as it is considered the distribution of kiddie pornography.
• You are berated and/or punished in some form or another for rejecting or voicing your discomfort of their inappropriate actions towards you. You are told you are blowing things out of proportion. Do not let anyone make you feel inferior if you feel uncomfortable with how they are treating you. This is another tactic used by harassers.

It is also very important to note that even if you accepted these advances at first but changed your mind, and you start to feel uncomfortable, that it still counts as harassment. You are allowed to change your mind. Any time that a person makes you feel unsafe and uncomfortable is not a good situation.

And now I want to share some stories of mine:

• When I was thirteen years old, I met a twenty-six year old role player who I got along well with. I didn't feel uncomfortable with him until he started asking me for my home address and telephone number so that he could call me and send me presents. We had never done or said anything sexual, but that moment I knew I wasn't comfortable and couldn't trust him. A few years later I found out he had been arrested for stalking another role player.
• Another female role player and I liked to play out sexual scenes between our characters. However, over time, that is all she wanted to do. Every conversation we had, she tried to turn into a sexual role play scene rather than actually trying to maintain our friendship through normal conversation. When I stopped and said I didn't want to, she berated and then blocked me.
• When I was fifteen, several male players at a site I was on constantly hit on me via messenger and would say sexually charged things that made me feel uncomfortable. Eventually these players all became my good friends after I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with the way that they spoke to me. Many of them are married now to beautiful women because really, they were great guys. They just didn't know how to talk to women back then.
• When I was sixteen, I posted a full-body picture of myself on a RP site where everyone felt like family to me. The number of inappropriate comments I received made me feel so self-conscious that to this day I refuse to post full-body pictures of myself, reveal more than my face on video in Skype, or even use Facebook in fear that my family members will see comments similar to that. Offline I can ignore the cat-calls and the inappropriate remarks, but online is my sanctuary and it made me sad that on a medium where I can express what's on the inside, all people wanted to talk about once I posted my picture was what I looked like on the outside.

Those are only a few of the stories that I wanted to share. There have been many more instances of harassment in my fifteen years of role-playing. I have also witnessed friends being harassed but those are not my stories to share.

I think the most important thing about stopping harassment in the role play community, and in life, is communication: for the most part, it seems as if people don't speak up when they feel uncomfortable because they don't want to 'assume' or be considered 'rude'. But there's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable about something that someone did or said. The most important thing is to let them know you are uncomfortable. In many cases, people will stop if you ask them to.

In the instances where I was approached by other players, when I politely turned them down or let them know that their advances were not appropriate, they would stop. Sometimes people don't realize what they are saying and doing is making you uncomfortable, or they are excited to get to know a new person that they find interesting and attractive and go overboard. Don't be afraid to say, “I'm sorry but I really didn't like that you said that.” You won't be able to feel secure unless you lay down the foundation of your own safety.

HOW TO REPORT SEXUAL HARASSMENT

Prior to reporting harassment, please make sure that you tried to stop the harassment on your own before reporting the incident. Only report harassment if someone continues to harass you after you have asked them to stop.

On the rare occasion that a site admin tells you that this “isn't our problem, you should handle it”, the only thing you can do aside from blocking the harasser and avoiding them is to quit the site altogether. It is an admin's duty to take care of their members and make them feel secure. If an admin openly tells you that they are going to neglect that duty, it is better to leave the site altogether because a site headed by someone like that is not worth your time.

If the main admin of an RPG is harassing you and won't stop, report them on the media that they used to harass you. If they harassed you on Skype, then report them to Skype. If they harassed you on Proboards, then report them to Proboards. And if the harassment is particularly out of hand, such as they have your personal information and are calling you with threatening messages, sending you threatening packages, etc. then take it right to the police.

I hope that this article will help people in the role play community understand, recognize, and prevent sexual harassment and that you all stay safe and make the active choice to protect and treasure yourselves.


TL;DR: I love you guys. Don't let anyone make you feel unsafe or objectified. Have courage and stand up for yourself when you need to.

[EMMIE]

Thanks for posting this. I've had this happen to a couple of my female friends on sites that I was recently on with them and it was hard to address to the people who were doing it to them because how do you say that you are being inappropriate with someone without making them butt hurt / offended, especially if they didn't purposely mean anything by it, like if they were just joking or being playful. I think what it really comes down to is know people's limits and don't say or do things you wouldn't be comfortable having done to you if you were in that person's shoes / situation.

[Egao, Egao Everywhere]

I don't tolerate anyone who does affectionate actions to me even if they were meant to be playful. Zero tolerance. Even with green jokes, as long as they are related or directed to me, I tell them I don't find it amusing. You can't make exceptions. You don't have to be a jerk about it. Just firm.

Nice post, Pasc. My personal experiences hardly brush the issue but I'm sure it happens often to others, especially those who fear being ostracized if they try to say something about it.

[[S]asha]

Well written post! Most people assume that just because I'm a male that I should accept when people are being overly aggressive because "guys like that". It's even worse when they assume that I should behave a certain way because I happen to have an open preference. The fact of the matter is there are instances in the past where I have been made extremely uncomfortable, where I was stalked IRL through my own stupidity of being young and giving too much information back then, and it's not fun to be made to feel like your safe havens are dangerous. I've even been on sites where the entire admin staff was a click of people who shut people out if they didn't accept that kind of behavior and plotting. It was the most uncomfortable place I'd ever rped at. Especially when they got my skype and after that it was even further down hill. I ended up having to make the choice of severing ties with them and removing them from all forms of contacts and I left their site because I couldn't deal with it personally. For those reasons amongst others like it I find it very difficult to share things like telephone numbers and addresses with people. Even snap chat makes me paranoid, but I've gotten to where I can trust a few people here with that since then. Though it's taken years for me to get over the scare this much.

I know a lot of my friends have had similar experiences and one even had trouble being pressured sexually by someone who had been sending harassing pms to other members and him too. I wanted desperately to help my friend out of the situation, but the only one that could put their foot down about it is the person that it's happening to. In the same hand a joke is a joke, but when someone tells you to stop or makes it obvious they're uncomfortable you should stop. Even if you're only joking around. Signs of people being uncomfortable with your behavior can be long delays in responses, excuses being made to avoid contact, or prolonged disappearances. There are plenty more than that, but if someone doesn't tell you straight forward to stop or that it's making them uncomfortable those are pretty obvious ways to identify that you might be making someone uncomfortable. it's always better to ask than to be the cause of someone else's discomfort.

Like mentioned before you also have the right to change your mind.

That being said, would you mind if I linked to this post in the rules thread for my future forum pascaline?

[SIFR]

I want to tack on something that I know from personal experience, although Pasc has done a great job with the content she has, and that is how to deal with the aftermath.

You may have a point where your subject of uncomfortable behaviour is getting more and more clingy, and finally you tell them firmly to stop, and then it happens.

They threaten harm.

Whether to others, yourself, or to even themselves, this is not acceptable behaviour. No healthy individual threatens this in response to negative behaviour, no healthy individual seeks harm. At that point, there are far more issues to concern yourself with than a simple case of sexual harassment. At that point, some steps need to be taken.

1. Take a breath and maybe even look away from the screen. Ask yourself, is this something that you can handle on your own? Will this person follow through with their threats? This is not something that can be taken lightly. Real people's lives are being put on a potential gamble, and that is not okay. If you have any reason to believe that they will follow through with their threat, move to step 2. If you fully believe with all of your heart and soul that it is a bluff, do not instigate. Walk away. Tell them you want nothing to do with them, tell them you'll be reporting them to your mutual administrator, or if the subject is an administrator, either alert their coadmins or simply walk away from the site. No setting, no clique of RPers, no quality of writing nor graphic design is worth drama. None. You will find other friends. Trust me on this.

2. Should you have reason to believe that they will actually inflict harm, and that happens to be to others or yourself, record logs IMMEDIATELY. Get PMs, get Skype messages, CBox logs, forum posts, IP addresses, email addresses, usernames, online identities, real names if you have them. Set up a folder, and separate each piece of information into separate writing documents in that folder. Get any pictures you may have obtained, screenshots, dates, and throw those in as well. Then, call the authorities. Inform the forum administration that you are bringing in the authorities in your area and ask them for any assistance in obtaining information that you can. If they refuse, that's their right, let the authorities deal with it from there. But remember to get as many records as you can while you can.

3. If said threats of harm happen to be to their person, do not ignore it, but also realize a very important thing.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Trust me when I say that the guilt of others threatening self-harm due to your actions can be something that you can live with for years. Some may not be affected, some may not be for as long, but I clearly remember telling someone that I once considered a dear friend that I didn't care after the heinous things they did to others, him threatening suicide, and me spending YEARS on the internet, tracking him down, making sure he was okay, and even coming in contact with him a few times under a different alias to make sure he was still okay. It was harming to myself, but back in those days, there wasn't much that you could do. The internet community wasn't given as much recognition, the support networks for this sort of behaviour just wasn't there, and I had already threatened this man with the police. Now, the support is there, and you're doing a lot of people a favour by pointing them in the right direction to it, and then making sure that you cut off contact. Do not stay around so that they can feed you this kind of manipulative behaviour. You're not only being toxic for yourself, you're showing them that this behaviour is okay.

4. Realize that this is not your fault. It isn't your fault AT ALL. Try to go about your day like normal. It won't be normal, but do try. And remember, there will be people who will support you. It may not always be the one you want to support you, but so long as they aren't toxic, they might be able to help you.

Sorry for this getting super heavy, but it's a problem that can crop up. Keep smiling, thank you Pasc, and I'll be watching this thread like a hawk for replies.

[redox-kun]

SIFR i can't believe you typed out all that on the proboards app............................

[SIFR]

Dec 6, 2014 22:48:29 GMT -8 redox-kun said:

SIFR i can't believe you typed out all that on the proboards app............................

I have very little to do when I'm riding home.

[redox-kun]

Dec 6, 2014 22:53:52 GMT -8 SIFR said:

Dec 6, 2014 22:48:29 GMT -8 redox-kun said:

SIFR i can't believe you typed out all that on the proboards app............................

I have very little to do when I'm riding home.

i just imagined you on horseback before remembering that this is the 21st century

[pascaline]

I am so happy that this thread has been well-received and that so many of you have come forward with your experiences and advice as well. I began to tear up as I read the replies.

[S]asha I would absolutely be honored, of course you can.

[Kuroya]

I'm going to share my story, or rather, one of them that I think is important. Not because it's big and caused a lot of drama but instead because I think, in hindsight, it's a good one for younger and newer RPers to look at and realize there's options. Because when it was happening I never realized there were and it took me a long time to figure it out.

I was a lot younger then, sixteen or seventeen, and I'd made friends with someone on a site I was on. That site had its fair share of problems, but that's for another time. The point being, that friend knew how to skin v4, so I had asked them to make a new skin for the site I was running. They did, and I had no idea what I'd just signed myself up for with that.

I have no idea to this day why they thought it would be funny, but they decided that when they were bored, they would come onto the cbox on my site as an anon and make passes at me. I was extremely uncomfortable with it and asked them to stop many times, but they never would. In fact, they would just do it more often. I tried asking them publicly. I tried calling them out (which only got me in more trouble since they would deny it was them). And I felt helpless. I didn't want to ban because I thought I needed them to help me for the skin. Any time I called them out, I risked being wrong and making myself look badly on the site as the owner. And I couldn't ignore them either since what if it wasn't them and I lost a potential member?

I lost sleep over this. I worried about this constantly. It was a terror in the back of my mind with every anon, and it was made worse by the fact I could never cement their IP into my mind. I felt like I had no other option than to put up with this since they were just "joking around".

This lasted for a month before they vanished off the face of the earth. It took me three with best friends who have protected me to this day for me to calm down and not panic every time I saw a guest in the cbox. It took me six to nine to realize that I had had options beyond relying on that person to keep things running. I never knew there was an option known as resource boards. I never knew there were people on there who would protect me if I'd known them and told them.

The reason I'm sharing this is for that reason. If you are going through something, remember that you're not alone and there are people who will protect you. There are options beyond just letting it happen to save face or keep xyz going. And sometimes, well... sometimes it's for the better to use that ban function and deal with the fallout than live with the terror.

[cadillac dreamer]

oddly enough, i'm pretty sure this has never happened to me. and if it has, i've completely forgotten because i let go of my last fuck to give a long time ago. i'm a pretty patient person, but with harassment anywhere, in real life or on a c-box, i have no tolerance for it. i don't have any long story or anything of that sort, all i have is to simply say that people can be jerks. especially online. why? your guess is ask good as mine. but like everyone said before, it's good to simply drop that site if the admin isn't addressing the matter/this keeps happening repeatedly. your safety and emotional well being is more important. what i'm pretty much trying to say is fuck anyone who even get's the idea of treating you like that. you're a person as much as they are and they have no right man!

good job pascaline for addressing this head-on

[OJOUSAMA]

i thought about sharing my story but instead i'll just say that it's happened to me, too, and that even if you like someone, you should never let that be the reason to take sexual harassment, and never let someone peer pressure you into doing anything you're uncomfortable with. especially if you have feelings for this person, it can be difficult to think that you might be sexually harassed or you might try to find excuses to think otherwise.

[GARDEN]

you know i'm going to add this in because it kind of relates and apparently it's something far too many people don't seem to realize:

don't fucking joke about rape

don't joke about raping a male character. don't joke about forcing yourself on a character. don't use rape in a light hearted, joking manner, period. don't link to manga that includes rape in any sort of positive light. i have had people do this and it disgusts me. i have seen people too many times use this as if it were a goddamn synonym for affection.

not sure if something counts as rape? it's not that hard. no means no and sometimes yes also means no. if someone says yes because you will not leave them alone, it's rape. if someone says yes because they have no choice, it's rape. do not justify it

i feel super uncomfortable typing this but i honestly feel like it needs to be said because i have seen too many times people seem to think yaoi that involves someone forcing themselves on another is great. i have seen people use this word as if it were just another way to say hug or glomp and it's not.

i apologize whole heartedly if this seems ranty. if you find this triggering, i am extremely sorry because that is not my intent.

this is an amazing post pasc and thank you for taking the time to write it out.

[♥ SHINGEKI NO BOGEY✿]

pascaline nailed it right on the head and I couldn't have said it better myself.

Like seriously,

Some of these people need to obey their fucking thirst ASAP. I see borderline sexual harassment in c-boxes ALL THE TIME. What makes it worse is when the uncomfortable person messages me over skype saying: "This guy is so creepy..." Really grinds my gears on some Peter Griffin type business because more times than not. The people being harassed are people I enjoy talking to and when they feel uncomfortable because of some thirsty ass bastard I kinda' lose my shit. Which is why in c-boxes I am quick to point out the thirst whenever I see it. Kinda' like I got a thirst radar. I rather look/sound like a dick then have some poor unsuspecting female member getting prayed upon.

And tbh, I only see this happening to female members. I ain't never once seen a male member getting majorly harassed to the point where he felt uncomfortable. Maybe it's because males just have more control over the situation? Idk, maybe I'm just biased because I grew up around women and place them on the highest pedestals? Regardless of either,

have some fucking respect for people and the community.

I feel extremely sorry for the ladies that post up full body pictures for these undercover dehydrated hyenas. As a man, you gotta think: "Would I want this to happen to my daughter or son?"

I have never been subject to Sexual Harassment because I'm too real for all that business.

[Nahara46]

This thread really is important, and I feel the need to type out my own story feel free to ignore.

Essentially it's also the story of how I got into roleplay itself, because I started really young and ppl please don't let your 8 year old daughter have free reign of the internet because evidently she will get a youtube account back when they had youtube chatboxes and bulletin boards and make some real shady friends. Like a friend who constantly used horrible language, sexual comments, many many comments about substance abuse - even talking about dealing drugs. It wasn't great roleplay or anything, I didn't get out of 1-2 line chatbox style RP until just over a year ago when I found good para sites, but the guy I talked to from when I was 8 until I was 13. I had a crush on him, and he encouraged it- his age changed on a daily basis. For a few months he had a sister who came on, until the day came that he literally admitted he didn't have a sister and it was just him under a different alias. I trusted him perfectly and brushed it off, my friend was much smarter than I and actually told our school principal, who didn't do shit beyond tell my dad that I was using bad language on the internet.

It was a damn crappy experience looking back on it and I can just see all the bad effects it's had on me in terms of self confidence and how much I rely on internet relationships and struggle to talk about shit. There's some creepy guy out there that knows my full name and my damn address and I try not to think about it because I haven't talked to him in at least 3 years, but damn this stuff is serious, it leave effects. I was much too young to be allowed to do all the things I was, and yeah the RP even got sexual once or twice. It made me uncomfortable. Maybe I would do something about it, but there's nothing to do- the chatbox were were in hasn't been used (I did own it though), and his youtube account had long been deleted.

If you see shit like this happening to someone, please deal with it and also- if you see someone who is young and roleplay, please be kind to them and keep things as appropriate as you can because they really don't need to be exposed to the idea of drugs and all the dark themes that I was. Or at least not in the manner I was. Harrassment is serious, and people being taken advantage of is serious too- I'm not trying to take away people's agency by saying you need to baby them, but some people do need to be checked on and asked if they're comfortable with something, or talk to them if you think what they're doing is unsafe. I needed a lot more guidance and help than I got and I payed for it, creepy people on the internet can be just as harmful as those in real life, even if it never transfers to physical meetings. (Let's not talk about the time he insisted he had actually seen me... I still get creeped by that.)