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Post by trash witch on Dec 17, 2014 0:33:41 GMT -8
This thread is exceedingly important, and I thank pascaline for bringing up this issue. I'm actually going to take the time to type out my story because I have an experience with this subject, and as well known throughout the community as it is, I think it would serve as a good precautionary tale. Now, it should be prefaced with this: When I was around 14, I had horrid self-image issues. I was in no way self-confident. In hindsight I can see how this led me to encourage behavior that was extremely inappropriate, as well as illegal, because it made me feel better about myself for small bits of time. However, now that I am older it's shameful to look back and realize how aggressive and manipulative the behavior towards me was. Even more so because of how much older the person it was coming from was. An admin of a site I was on and I got close; noting, they were considerably older than me. Stemming from comments in the cbox, to eventual Skype conversations, and over the course of time, these conversations and interactions began to become extremely sexually charged. They were initiated from the older one of the two of us, and being the insecure teenager I was, I eventually came to encourage and reciprocate the behavior. Because, hell, I felt nice. It was nice to be desirable, right? (Mind you, for a good portion of the time I was in the wrong as well. However, I was also younger and didn't know much better.) It went on for a period of time. It was then that the older person started to take texts, images, ect, between the two of us to people in my life. To the people I was living with, and various friends of mine. Took them to their friends, ect, ect. Because they got mad at me, they dragged all of these into public light, and for a period of time kept me cowering via blackmailing and threatening to show everything to even more people. This person was in a position of power, from the beginning, and was easily able to use it. This destroyed my self-confidence, and for a long time I felt like absolute garbage over it. The situation caused me to lose a lot of friends, and caused a lot of people to be aggressive and horrid towards me for reasons I've still yet to understand. I would be outright banned from sites because of my alias, people would see "Southie" and that reputation would precede anything I had to say. To this day, I have come across discussions of my body, my appearance, in public cboxes on sites I am not even a part of. Between people I've never spoken to. It is humiliating, it is fucking degrading. I still sometimes lose sleep over the entire situation; it still impacts me because I still hear about it. People who I don't even know have been told of it, and judge me over it. I am 19 years old now, and this still hurts me. It's been years, and it still goes and goes and goes. If you see behavior like this, especially towards younger members on a site, you need to step in. Admin, or just member, you absolutely need to cut the behavior off. I can not express more how much younger members of the RP community need to be guided and watched because situations like this can be absolutely devastating; emotionally, socially, in so many aspects. Do not tolerate shit like this. Put your fucking foot down because things like this can destroy people. And to people who find themselves in a situation like this; it's not your fault, do not blame yourself for the abusive actions of others. Keep your closest friends at your side, confide in them and never be scared to reach out for help and support.
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Post by Antiviral on Dec 17, 2014 1:26:50 GMT -8
Definitely a great thread to bring up, thanks pascaline. This is something that's been on my mind a lot recently, as I've been coming into my sexuality these days, and as a result it's brought up memories of the sorts of things I used to do roleplaying. I think it's really important to stress the fact that if something makes you uncomfortable you have every right to say no, even if it doesn't seem, or come off as "traditional" sexual harassment (ex. asking for pictures, or being overtly sexual with requests or the like). When I was younger, I loved to do romance plots, and further more I found myself liking to do some more taboo topics like incest or things more innocent like teacher/student. It was never about the sexual things for me. I just really liked to explore the emotions that might fuel that sort of relationship, and it sort of felt a little "bad" in an exciting way to do something that was considered a "taboo" topic. As a result I ended up attracting skeevy sorts of people, male and female. I never objected to any of the sexual content, I was, and still am (to a degree), the sort of person to just let things sort of happen. If someone started something sexy, I'd just be like "Oh ok, yes the thing goes into the place, ok". I never quite realized it was sexual harassment, because they never specifically asked for cyber it just happened through the course (looking back on it, I think they just assumed that it came with the subject matter), and I still have a hard time labeling it as such, because I never verbally objected to it, but it was definitely coerced out of me, and it was never really natural. It made me uncomfortable, and it's a part of me that I still regret. I even worry to a degree that it's shaped me in ways that I'm not exactly proud of. I've come to accept it as a part of me, and I'm steadily working out who I am, but if I could I would definitely go back and slap a younger me in the face and tell them it's ok to say no. When I was younger I never had a thread like this. For me, sexual harassment was always creepy old dudes asking me for nudes or where I lived. Not people who I was "friends" with that just wanted to write a fun story. It took a friend noticing I was stiff with my writing and telling me that it's ok to say no, to actually say no. So, like trash witch said, it absolutely and completely imperative that if you see someone might even be slightly uncomfortable with a subject (sexual or otherwise) you step in and ask them if they're ok. It doesn't matter if they turn out to be ok with it, it's always better to be safe than sorry.I hope that made sense, it was basically a word vomit of my experiences and feelings so it might not be worded perfectly.
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Post by pascaline on Dec 17, 2014 3:34:06 GMT -8
Thank you guys for the responses, and for sharing your stories. BUNNY reminded me that I forgot to touch on another imporant topic that people come across in role playing. To be honest, I really enjoy role playing sexual scenes not to get off but for the powerful emotions that you can explore through writing. My character's sexual life is just another facet of them that I want to explore. Now, I have cybered before too but now that I'm older I much prefer to just write sex as part of my character's experiences. The main problem I've found with cybering and writing sexual scenes is that the other person uses it as a tool to try and make it personal, as in they want to start a relationship, or they abuse it in other ways too. It is physically impossible for me to see my characters as anything less than separate entities from myself. Their sex life isn't mine, and I think that's a factor people forget. Essentially, you have to be careful about who your partner is. I've gotten to be very careful, but I still run into trouble here and there.
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Post by zerohour on Dec 22, 2014 23:05:41 GMT -8
um, I don't really have it in me to share a story or anything, but I want to thank everyone who did from the bottom of my heart. There's really something to be said for knowing that you're not the only one who's gone through things like this.
It took me a long time to come to terms with, but changing your mind is okay. Maybe your answer to a question today is different than the answer to the same question yesterday; that doesn't mean you were lying the first time, both answers are perfectly valid. If you're uncomfortable right now you're uncomfortable right now, and that should be the end of it. You don't have a thing to feel guilty for, and no one has any right to berate or threaten you.
So yeah. Thank you pascaline and SIFR, and everyone else who's contributed. I can't put into words how important it is for this kind of stuff to be out there, and it makes me so proud to be part of a community that saw the need for this discussion and was brave enough to have it. All of you are amazing. Really.
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the greatest general under the heavens
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Post by Egao, Egao Everywhere on Jan 13, 2015 3:04:22 GMT -8
OH MY GOD GUYS. I HAD THIS EXPERIENCE AGAIN AND WANTED TO WARN EVERYONE OF THIS GUY BUT HE'S PROBABLY A MEMBER HERE BUT HEY, THIS TOPIC EXISTS.
So you might know this guy as Colonel. Yes, I'm dropping his name. No hiding. Because he's an asshole. The funny thing is, I didn't remember him like that. I met him again a few weeks ago and was eager to add him again in Skype. I know Colonel from PRE.
We exchanged a few words and I was very quickly reminded that this dude is an idiot.
The funny thing is, I KNOW this. When I asked "why" I LITERALLY had a flashback. A flashback of the same idiocy 2 years back. This guy wanted me to dance on his lap, make him sandwiches, and I think he kept kissing me too. Like everyone, I tried making it as a joke but he wouldn't stop.
Honestly, writing this just made me realize that I've been actually through with what you guys are describing. BUT I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT IT. I think I did my own advice. I didn't put up with it. I blocked him and end of story.
There is no way you can justify the behaviour of this person, so I'm confident I'm on the right by saying this guy's name straight out to warn people of him. If you know him, that's his true colors.
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gloria luciferis in excelsis
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Post by THE LEVIATHAN on Jan 21, 2015 11:20:00 GMT -8
This destroyed my self-confidence, and for a long time I felt like absolute garbage over it. The situation caused me to lose a lot of friends, and caused a lot of people to be aggressive and horrid towards me for reasons I've still yet to understand. I would be outright banned from sites because of my alias, people would see "Southie" and that reputation would precede anything I had to say. To this day, I have come across discussions of my body, my appearance, in public cboxes on sites I am not even a part of. Between people I've never spoken to. It is humiliating, it is fucking degrading. I still sometimes lose sleep over the entire situation; it still impacts me because I still hear about it. People who I don't even know have been told of it, and judge me over it. I am 19 years old now, and this still hurts me. It's been years, and it still goes and goes and goes.
Normally I wouldn't post in something like this, but .. wow. Thank you, trash witch for writing this because you have summed how exactly how I have felt for the last five-six years of my life. I am still hurt by things I have experienced online.
I am definitely against any adult doing anything sexual with a minor, whether it's online or not (roleplay or an actual relationship). And I wish someone would have told fourteen year old me that I could have said no when an eighteen year old approached me about something I wasn't really into. And that I didn't feel pressure to conform in order to be liked by people I didn't really know.
Everyone has nailed what I have had to say (sorry for coming in late, folks). But I just want to add in that if you know your RP buddy is underage (assuming under 18 for U.S. people), don't role play anything sexual or smutty with them. I feel very uncomfortable that some people DO think that's okay. I'm sorry if you're an adult and you think it's okay to RP sexual content with someone you know is underage and I'm not trying to come at people sideways, but we have a certain responsibility as adults. Yeah, you might be 18 and don't know how to file your taxes and you still live with your mom, but you're still like an adult. You have adult responsibilities. The law sees you as an adult. Don't prey on minors and pressure them into sexual role plays.
I, as a role player, am not comfortable doing any type of sexual RP plot with anyone I know is underage. Thankfully, I've never had that problem since with the site I'm on, everyone is older than me (19).
And sexual harassers can be of any sex or gender identity. I've run into one specific person on the site I help run who was notorious for that and rape jokes and the whole wazoo. Made the entire site uncomfortable and I had to finally convince the admin that we needed to step in. Just because sexual harassment was ignored and not seen as a big deal in the RP community five years ago does not mean we can overlook it now.
For everyone who looks out for their fellow RP'ers, younger or older, you da real MVP.
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